😂 COLUMBIAPA.ONLINE — FUNNY CRIME REPORT ROUNDUP
All cases are real. The comedy is optional… but encouraged.
🚓 1. Librado Ortiz‑Caban & The DUI Hat Trick
Case: MJ‑02103‑CR‑0000060‑2026
Charge Theme: “Sir, please stop doing that.”
According to the court records, Librado Ortiz‑Caban allegedly decided to take a triple‑feature DUI tour, collecting charges like they were loyalty points at Turkey Hill.
Police say Librado was out on February 28, 2026, demonstrating driving techniques not currently taught by PennDOT, including the rare maneuver known as Reckless Driving With Unrequested Jazz Hands.
His BAC allegedly earned him the “Highest Rate” achievement badge, which is not as exciting as it sounds and does NOT come with a prize other than paperwork.
On the bright side?
He now qualifies for DUI Court, because apparently even the court system said,
“Okay buddy, come sit down — we need to talk.”
🚫🌳 2. Alexander Lon — The Midnight Park Enthusiast
Case: MJ‑02103‑NT‑0000072‑2026
Charge: Criminal Trespass (Simple Trespasser)
Location: Mountville Park
Alexander Lon was found doing what every Lancaster County resident secretly considers:
sitting in a park after dark, like a true outlaw of the night.
Despite a giant sign saying “PARK CLOSED AT SUNSET”, and a previous warning, Alexander apparently said:
“The sign can’t tell me what to do — I can’t even read it in the dark.”
Officers noted his vehicle was parked directly under the sign, which is the criminal‑equivalent of robbing a bank while wearing a name tag.
🧢🧢 3. Bryan Kervin Hoffer — The Great Beanie Heist of 2026
Case: Retail Theft – MJ‑02103‑NT‑00000xx‑2026
Location: Turkey Hill, Chestnut Street
Bryan Hoffer allegedly attempted a daring, high‑stakes heist valued at…
$21.98
and consisting of two winter beanies, possibly preparing for a snowstorm that meteorologists have not predicted.
Witnesses say he selected the hats with the precision of a man who knows:
you can never have too many beanies in Columbia.
He then walked out without paying, performing the classic move known as the “Turkey Hill Two‑Step: Grab, Bag, and… Nope.”
🧼✨ 4. Jeremy Crouse — The Most Relatable Theft in Lancaster County
Case: MJ‑02103‑NT‑0000079‑2026
Location: Giant
According to the docket, Jeremy Crouse attempted to steal…
one bottle of dish soap
valued at $13.99, which honestly raises more questions about dish soap prices in Columbia than about the crime itself.
Loss prevention watched him allegedly skip the scan, bag it, and walk out like a man who has washed his last dish.
This is being called the “Great Soap Escape,” and let’s be honest — we’ve all looked at grocery prices lately and thought the same thing.
🚫🌳 (AGAIN) 5. Anthony Thomas — Mountville Park’s After‑Hours Fan Club, Member #2
Case: MJ‑02103‑NT‑0000073‑2026
Just minutes after the Alexander Lon incident, police responded to the exact same park because Anthony Thomas had joined the Mountville Midnight Park Meetup, a club that technically doesn’t exist and is also illegal.
Anthony also parked directly under the CLOSED AT SUNSET sign, proving that the sign may need to be bigger. Or neon. Or maybe walk around yelling on a megaphone.
Police gently reminded him that night parks are for raccoons, not people.
